Betrayer

What things come from Australia? Lots of bitey poisonous things. The fabulous and flamboyant movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. AC/DC. Australian Toaster Biscuits (do you remember Australian Toaster Biscuits? I do. They were amazing.) The On Fires also come from Australia. Are The On Fires as amazing as Australian Toaster Biscuits? Do they wear shorts all of the time like Angus Young? Can they do a mean Gloria Gaynor impression, while sporting a dress made out of flip-flop sandals? Perhaps most importantly, can they wrestle lots of bitey poisonous things like Steve Irwin? These are all questions I would like to have answered.

First things first: are they as amazing as Australian Toaster Biscuits (A.T.B. for short)? The amazing thing about A.T.B. is that they are sweeter and more substantive than regular English muffins. So the real question here is, are The On Fires sweeter and more substantive than English muffins? The closest English band to an English muffin would have to be the Spice Girls, for their rather dense exterior and the air-filled emptiness at the center. I would have to say I prefer The On Fires to the Spice Girls. The On Fires have a certain level of sweetness; on tracks like “Without”, that are both emotion-filled and packed with energy. Similar to A.T.B., The On Fires also have a certain level of substance that is lacking in their English muffin counterparts. They obviously are influenced by bands like The Mars Volta and Social Distortion, while the musical influences of the Spice Girls are clearly more along the lines of The Archies, if The Archies wore sexy pants.

Question number two: Do they wear shorts all of the time like Angus Young? The answer appears to be no. I see a sherpa hat on their guitar player in the liner notes, but no shorts. Which brings us to the question can they do a mean Gloria Gaynor impression, while sporting a dress made out of flip-flop sandals? As I have yet to see them in concert, I cannot say whether they are capable of such a feat. However, according to their website, their previous band name was “Asleep in the Park” until a fan shouted “you’re not asleep, you’re on fire!” so I can only imagine that they have quite a lot of enthusiasm on stage. In addition, their song “Melancholy” is obviously influenced by Queen, which clearly indicates they are at least friends of the family, if you know what I mean.

Finally, the most important question of all: can they wrestle lots of bitey poisonous things like Steve Irwin? Again, it doesn’t appear they wear shorts all of the time, so I cannot be sure they can match the awesomeness of His Royal Majesty of Crocodile Hunting (R.I.P.), Steve Irwin. They do have plenty of punk-rock swagger on tracks like “Coming Home,” which I suppose would be needed when faced with certain death at the fangs of something bitey and poisonous. However, they do a riff on the Ventures’ tune “Wipeout” during the song, which is probably not something you want to hear when faced with wrangling a death adder or a blue-ringed octopus. So, I suppose, the jury is out on the answer to this question.

I hope I have sufficiently answered these questions regarding The On Fires and various elements of Australia. In closing, I would have to say that they are far more enjoyable than Silverchair, and not nearly as enjoyable as AC/DC, although they do have a fair amount of rock and roll attitude. Just one more question, though: Why do people from hot climates wear sherpa hats?

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