Death Sentence: Panda! seems like a ridiculous name, right? Pandas are cute. They look like plush dolls. They eat bamboo, which is, like, a totally cute plant. They are fuzzy and have paws. Death by panda sounds like it’s just about as probable as being mauled by a herd of unruly kittens. Unfortunately for us weak and easily fooled humans, all of that cuteness is a ruse.
Panda teeth are actually carefully honed and specialized not for eating leafy greens, but are actually made for gnawing on human flesh. CNN reports that in January a panda named Gu Gu at the Beijing Zoo attacked a man that climbed into his pen. The man, Zhang Jiao, described the attack thusly: "The panda didn't let go until it chewed up my leg and its mouth was dripping with my blood."
Death Sentence: Panda! is all clarinets, flutes, bells, and drums, which sounds oh-so-endearing—like a parlor band in an old, quaint house with lots of doilies placed neatly on armrests of comfortably cushioned chairs. However, before you invite them to your next _Antiques Roadshow _house party, consider Gu Gu the panda. Remember his maw, so cutely dripping with man-leg blood?
Death Sentence: Panda! doesn’t play cute instruments like cute instruments should be played. Screw you, Pan, and your sweet little flute and fuzzy goatey legs. Clarinet? Thought it was just for Benny Goodman, right? Well, take a big band playing “Sing, Sing, Sing” and toss in a bee nest, that freaky leatherface dude from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and maybe Mike Patton for flavor, and you have Insects Awaken.
The weird thing, though, about Death Sentence: Panda! is that they somehow retain some cuteness despite the violence that their music spits up like yesterday’s salmonella-tainted peanuts. It’s sort of like reading Lord of the Flies. Cute little boys plus spears, boulders, and fire equals… cute little boys that brutally attack, maim, and kill each other! Adorable!
Sure, sharks look brutal, and snakes conjure images of Satan in the Garden of Eden. Whatever. Pandas are way scarier; they lure you in with their cute, and kill you with their giant freaky jaws. That, in my opinion, is way more evil.