Come with Me if You Want to Live

After listening to Goblin Cock’s new record, Come with Me if You Want to Live, I’ve decided to start my own sludge metal band. However, I’m having a few problems thinking of a name with a good female twist. Somehow the band name “Ogre Vag” just doesn’t have the right ring.

At any rate, Goblin Cock’s mix of indie and metal would suffice for anyone looking for an appropriate soundtrack for a movie involving Norse mythology and lots of beast slaying. You know those bands like The Locust that have, like, a billion guitar effects? “Who needs such pompous drivel” scoffs Lord Phallus and Bane Ass-Pounder (guitar/vocals and lead guitar, respectively). “We need nothing in our lives, nothing…but sweet fuzz. And names that make you think of penises!”

They really are a commercial for fuzz pedals. It’s like that advertisement for Dior perfume that Charlize Theron was in: “gold is cold…diamonds are dead.” Strip off your clothes! You don’t need them! Wear J’adore! Maybe that’s why Goblin Cock always wears cloaks. “Flangers are fallacious…reverb is reprobate! You don’t need anything but cloaks and fuzz!”

I do have some suggestions for listening for the uninitiated: make sure to bang your head and raise your right hand in the form of a chalice (palm raised with fingers curled upward) to conjure the appropriate hobgoblin while listening. I would also suggest a magical rune decoder device if you would like to decipher the liner notes. And no, the Snuggie does not look like a pagan Stonehenge-worshipper’s shroud. It is for reclining, not rocking out. Also, for any of you ladies who plan on going to one of their shows, be prepared for seas of boys aged 14-17, and, of course, that one guy who is hairier than a chinchilla and has no shirt on.

Wait—I think I have it—maybe “Witch’s Tit”? Perhaps the poetically pleasing “Haint Hoo Haa” for a bit of alliteration? No, hold the phone—I’ve got it! “Breast of the Beast”!

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