Utera Maxima Giant Uterus Plushie

My uterus and I have a complicated relationship. Recently, I had elective surgery and did away with her ability to ever carry a child. She responded by stressing out and not sloughing off anything for an extra month, making me slightly panic that instead of being forever sterile, I’d become unintentionally pregnant.

Since then, I’ve been drinking uterine tea with cramp bark, trying to soothe her and let her know we’re still pals. She seems to appreciate it.

Being intentionally childfree is not without complication. I would love to have a “no baby” shower, at which people could give me decidedly not-child-friendly gifts that are dangerous, scary, or obscene. Most of my friends will have children; why can’t I get in on the compulsory gift registries just because I have no maternal instinct toward producing humans? But because such a party might offend certain people, I got myself a gift instead: a Utera Maxima Giant Uterus Plushie from Vulva Love Lovely. I named her Maxine.

Maxine the Uterine Plushie is roughly the same size I am. She takes up one half of the sofa and acts more as a body pillow than a small, tossable cushion on which one might lay her head. Her enormous fallopian tubes, each the same length as one of my arms, can act as a suitable dance partner if a person is unavailable. Bright magenta, she looks especially nice on my green couch and as you can surely imagine, she’s quite the conversation starter.

Jessica Marie, the designer behind this amazing doll-like pillow, makes and sells all sorts of body-positive goodies in her online store. I already have a handmade self-portrait vulva necklace, some vegan lip balm, and full set of her specialty leak-proof Red Dress cloth pads, which have revolutionized my periods. With my Utera Maxima on the couch and new stash of tea in my cupboards, I’m full speed ahead into accessorized childfree bliss. Even if you’re a mama or crave a few biological kiddos, you can join me in loving your body, inside and out, with some vulva-friendly products from an unabashedly feminist craftster.

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