single mothers

Take It From Me

andrea — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Take It From Me makes an emotional statement even more than a political one. This documentary film chronicles the time period after the passing of the 1996 Personal Responsibility Act, which placed a five-year limit on public assistance. Emily Abt, the producer and director, is a former social caseworker in New York City. She offers us the daily lives of four women who are struggling against great odds to raise themselves and their children up out of poverty.

Abby is a nineteen-year-old mother of three who has been turned down for public assistance six times due to reasons varying from her age to her parents making too much money to qualify. Her sons have been placed in foster care until she can get an apartment. Yet without public and housing assistance, she cannot pay for it with her paltry earnings. It is heartbreaking to watch as her sons suffer physical and emotional abuse in foster homes, while Abby’s case continues to get delayed by the courts. She is a loving mother, easy to root for, and it is frustrating to watch her being dragged around by a heartless system.

Iyoka and Louie Riveria are a young married couple with a young daughter, who have suffered a house fire which left them temporarily homeless in a shelter. They are cut off from welfare during the film as Iyoka chooses between public assistance and completing her college degree. Her strength, pride, and desire to offer her daughter a better life is admirable. Iyoka worries about not being able to afford health insurance or daycare for her daughter. Louie shares it is difficult to feel like a man while they are experiencing that “no one is on their side.” By the end of the film, they are separated as the strain of their financial situation is too much for their relationship.

Teresa has been out of work for three years and has gone on multiple job interviews in that time. She is facing the threat of having her very small public assistance funds taken away from her at any moment. Her nineteen-year-old son lives with her and suffers from an undiagnosed mental illness. Teresa’s life is consumed with frugality, stretching the amount she gets as far as she can when most of it “only goes to cover the phone and electric bill.” The filmmakers lose touch with Teresa as she refuses to talk to them anymore after her son has an extreme reaction to their presence. In her last interview, Teresa candidly tells the camera that without the welfare money, she is sure that she and her son will die.

Valentina is a recovered alcoholic and drug abuser and mother to at least four children. She has been on welfare for twenty-eight years and offers an inspirational story of recovery and perseverance. Raised in foster care, abandoned by a drug addicted mother, Valentina is proud to have kept her promise to her own children that she would never leave them. She works cleaning pots for $5.50 an hour, yet she also dreams of getting her GED and a better job. She is ready to get off of welfare and is also realistic that even working full-time, it is only with the help of her local church that she is able to make it. One of the most inspirational scenes in the movie is when she encourages other recovering addicted mothers to take it one day at a time, and think of their children first.

The film effectively makes a point about the shadow side of the American dream and how public assistance creates dependency without empowerment. It also shows the tragic impact of our inability to provide for all of our citizens by meeting their needs, nourishing and taking care of their children, and supporting the empowerment of women, especially single mothers.

Written by: Jillian Vriend, October 31st 2010

Cheap Cabernet: A Friendship

kristin — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 02:00:00 +0000

By Cathie Beck

Voice Trade Publishing

My daughter has a t-shirt that reads “Friends are Forever, Boys are…Whatever”. It always gets a laugh, especially from her female teachers. And while most of us know that friends are not always forever, we do realize the importance of girlfriends. Every girl needs a girlfriend. That one person we can go to with our secrets and our neuroses who will commiserate when we find that enormous zit emerging or the first hair on our chin.

Cheap Cabernet reminds us that there are different girlfriends for different stages of our lives as well. Maybe that one go-to friend in high school isn’t the same one you run to with questions about parenting when you find yourself alone and wondering if your child is going to be a serial killer. Cathie Beck’s story recounts the years of friendship with an unlikely best friend when she finds herself an empty nester. She seems truly surprised to have found this irreverent wild woman with whom to share adventures, but considering that she herself started the ball rolling by putting an ad in the personals seeking “Women on the Way” (WOW) when she was really just casting about for some companionship, maybe her audacity was simply rewarded with this woman in a very fitting way.

Cathie was a very young single mother, with two kids by the age of twenty, who worked hard to get by and these years after her kids have gained independence are truly hers. The unlikely scenarios in which she finds herself seem to be a fair payoff for the years of struggle. Like many of us, Cathie finds herself inspired to do things she would not have dreamed of otherwise thanks to her new found friend. The book is a testament to the power of friendships between women, complete with ups and downs, fights and dressing room hilarity.

It is clear from chapter one, however, where this friendship will end up and, if I have a complaint about the book itself, that would be it. In every single chapter, there is some foreshadowing of the eventual outcome, to the point where I could be heard muttering to myself, “Okay, I get it. Message received.” Overall, however, Cheap Cabernet was a book that reminded me to cultivate my friendships with the lovely women in my life and gave me hope for those days when my daughters aren’t nearly so cavalier about boys and I’m stuck at home alone on a Saturday night. Maybe I’ll pop open a bottle of wine and call a friend who will come make me laugh.

Written by: Kari O’Driscoll, September 17th 2010

Sometimes Mine

admin — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 08:00:00 +0000

By Martha Moody

Riverhead Books

Genie Toledo, the best cardiologist in Ohio, is in the midst of an eleven-year passionate love affair with Mike Crabbe, a married basketball coach residing in another state. Their love affair has survived the initial hiccups of insecurity, jealousy, and possessiveness. After a decade of physical and emotional closeness they have settled into this arrangement, perfectly understanding and respecting each others boundaries, and traveling to meet each other every Thursday. A series of events, including Mike’s diagnosis of prostrate cancer place Genie in the middle of Mike’s family affairs. She eventually has to confront Mike’s wife Karen and her children and reveal the secret affair.

In Sometimes Mine, Martha Moody unravels the struggles of Genie Toledo: professional, single mother of a college aged daughter, trying to balance her professional and personal life. The author describes how a tragedy in her personal life makes Genie come out of the emotional shell she has woven around her, which results in her repairing the mother-daughter relationship.

Does Mike’s wife accept the relationship? The children’s reaction to the “other woman” in their father’s life makes this book an interesting read. Moody narrates the story from the “mistress” perspective, which is different from the usual approach. The author, without becoming melodramatic, describes the intricate relationship between the two women in Mike’s life—each dominating certain aspects of his life. Towards the end of the story we can see a bond developing between Genie and Karen, both seeking support and reassurance from each other.

Written by: Sunitha Jayan, August 29th 2010

Sunshine

admin — Tue, 04 May 2010 12:11:00 +0000

Directed by Karen Skloss

PBS Independent Lens

The doors have been flung wide open when it comes to the liberation of the modern day mother. Well, they are cracked considerably wider than they were thirty-five years ago at least. Gestating for ten years now, Sunshine, a film by Karen Skloss, eloquently portrays just how much our attitudes toward motherhood and family dynamics have changed over the past several decades.

Skloss’s film is deeply personal yet not so focused on navel gazing that the viewer can’t glean some social commentary from it. In the movie, she explores her past as someone who was given up for adoption in 1975 by an unwed, college-aged woman. Jump ahead slightly and Skloss becomes a single mother. In this day and age, her story is one that perhaps we don’t think twice about. Sure, most would readily admit that being a single mother is incredibly difficult, but it happens all the time, right? Fortunately, Sunshine shows us exactly in what ways the times have changed.

The story of Skloss’s life begins with her biological mother, Mary, who was from a fairly prominent Texas family. In 1975, Mary left home for college and became pregnant. When Skloss interviews Mary for this film, she confesses that the night she conceived Skloss is the same night she lost her virginity. Because the possibility of keeping a child would have been out of the question for her family, Mary had to check into a home for unwed mothers where she kept her pregnancy quiet, delivered the baby, gave her up for adoption, and then returned to a more acceptable path.

The film does not move in chronological order, and Skloss jostles the spotlight to her own experiences as a single mother. Gone are the days where it’s okay to refer to children as "bastards" if they don’t have married parents, but do we still judge moms who go it alone? Skloss herself admits that she looked down on single mothers before she became one. In writing this review, I almost stated that I felt being a single mother was acceptable yet unfortunate in today’s world, but Skloss' words made me pause to rethink that judgment.

When presented with Mary's father, a very conservative man with traditional values, Skloss tries to get him to open up about what happened with the adoption, but he becomes silent. Right or wrong, his values are in stark contrast to many of the young children interviewed for the film. Young girls and boys espouse their progressive views of marriage and the ability for women to make their own choices, whether it’s to have a family after getting married or to have a family without being married. With segments of Mary's father interspersed with clips of the children, it’s as if Skloss is saying that this is what was and this is what is to come. And by comparing her own experience with Mary's, Sunshine gives us both ends of the spectrum.

It’s difficult to see where these changing social attitudes are leading us. Children nowadays are learning that there are more options than the traditional family, and one can only hope those options move us toward a better place where we aren’t so confined, and where those who want children can focus on raising them in their own loving way.

Sunshine premieres tonight on PBS.

Written by: Beverly Jenkins-Crockett, May 4th 2010

Who's Your Daddy?

admin — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 17:07:00 +0000

Edited by Rachel Epstein

Sumach Press

Postmodern indeed. As a single Black lesbian mother, I assumed that a resource like this wouldn’t yet exist. On searching, I discovered a literary road map to queer parenting and family that is current, diverse and mini-encyclopedic in its breadth. Reading this work made me feel as though I had added to my family of choice. Who’s Your Daddy? documents the adventures and challenges of queer parents, including the parenting experiences of single, partnered, co-parenting and polyamorous parents. Essays from more than thirty contributors detail recent aspects of queer parenting history, including legal victories and challenges in the United States and Canada, the experiences of queer spawn (look it up) as well as the personal parenting experiences of single and partnered individuals including transgender women and men, lesbian, gay, bisexual and queer mothers, parents, and fathers.

Who’s Your Daddy? is not only broad in terms of the contributors and the subject matter covered in the book, but in tone as well. An accessible quality is maintained in the majority of the writing in the book. Sections on the various routes to parenthood, family composition, history and social change, parenting challenges and the legacy of queer families are made even more engaging due to the personal experiences candidly communicated by young queer parents, queer children from transracial adoptive families, one lesbian’s experience of infertility, and dispatches from queer-identified straight children, involved donors and blended families. Contributions in the form of email exchanges, interviews and letters tell stories that are laced with humor, highlight injustices, and relay grave personal loss.

One generation ago, some queer individuals would not have considered parenthood feasible. However, this book shows the many creative ways families have been built and children have been nurtured outside of the nuclear, heteronormative ideal. Open adoption, the experience of queer spawn in schools, the ways in which queer parents challenge gender stereotypes in raising their children and the experiences of involved donors are discussed alongside a transgender man’s experience of being treated at a fertility clinic. A letter to an unborn child lists a mother’s intentions to parent equitably, regardless of the child’s gender, while another piece discusses the importance placed upon biological ties within lesbian-led families.

As stated by Epstein, Who’s Your Daddy? does not attempt to prove that LGBTQ led families are the same or “as good as” straight or nuclear families. The joys, challenges and experiences captured in this anthology display the richness of queer cultures and relationships, values we should treasure, validate, analyze critically and pass on to our children.

Written by: Ruth Cameron, December 12th 2009

The Woman You Write Poems About

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 17:28:00 +0000

By Danielle Montgomery

AK Press

Most of the time when I read poetry books, I’ll dog-ear the pages of poems I really like. I started to do this with Danielle (Dani) Montgomery’s collection, The Woman You Write Poems About, but within the first twenty pages I realized I didn’t have one non-bent-down page corner; every single poem in this collection is intriguing and amazing in its own way. What makes Montgomery’s poetry outstanding is that she brings out the brutal truth of really hard subjects. Furthermore, the language she uses to do this is breathtaking in the way that a life realization seriously makes you stop for a second, until you realize you aren’t breathing because you’ve been thinking these big thoughts instead. Montgomery’s poetry brings up these big thoughts and makes you stop for a moment (or more).

The truths that Montgomery bring to the page involve the harsh realities of being a poor, single mother attempting to navigate the different types of violence in our society, and trying to keep her sanity while doing it. In the poem “S.S.A.” Montgomery reveals:

on the phone after my (relatively) pleasant conversation with mr. social security, I’m feeling like the woman you write poems about not the woman who writes poems I’m feeling like that like a little tragic with my two screaming kids stained shirt messed up hair mr. social security wants to know why can’t you work are you worthy and I give my best brightest explanation but this is a poem from the woman you write poems about listen I can write my own maybe I already have I’m a bad ass on the phone filling out forms all day listen this is a poem from the woman you write poems about

She is the woman with the screaming kids. She is the woman who has no money and is trying to make ends meet with each roll of pennies. She is the woman who has been turned into a tool for artists seeking out an empathetic subject, but here she is becoming the artist. She is describing her own situation, and talking back to what has already been talked about her.

As a single mother and a poet, the two stereotypes of the poor single mother and the starving artist collide in Montgomery’s work. She discusses the hardship of being depressed and being a mother (“poem for mamas with postpartum depression: we can make it through”), as well as the moments in her life that have sparked joy and creativity (“what the living do”):

at nineteen I woke up in my apartment to the sound of a man pissing out back behind the dumpster and I shook off sleep to listen I loved the sound of him pissing in congratulations yes congratulations we lived through another night

Sarcastic, raw, refreshing, humorous, and relieving in all of her honesty, Montgomery exposes her readers to what it means to face life’s tough shit, look at it, do what you can with it, laugh, cry, and then continue to survive.

Written by: Chelsey Clammer, October 25th 2009

Running on Empty

admin — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:09:00 +0000

Directed by Emily Marlow, Charles Stewart

Television Trust for the Environment

When I was perhaps ten years old or younger, I used to sit in front of the television on weekend mornings, and flip around until I found a Save the Children show. I’d then proceed to watch the entire episode, sitting cross-legged on the floor, and cry. For years afterwards I was always furious when my mother would flip past the standard image of a young child of color, starving and attracting flies, with a sound of disgust.

Running on Empty is part of the sixth season of _Life, an educational series put out by Television Trust for the Environment, which delves into globalization’s myriad of affects on poverty. This particular episode shows the effects, mostly ineffective, of the Millennium Development Goals, a plan signed by 192 United Nations members to halve poverty and hunger by the year 2015.

The film contrasts the lives of Dawn, a mother of three living in one of the poorest areas in Europe, and Asemu, a mother of two living in northern Ethiopia. Dawn and Asemu, both only twenty-two years old, depend on cash payments to buy food, clothing, and other basic necessities. The film deals with the question of whether it is more effective to give cash or food aid to families in need. The fear is that adults will spend the money on more frivolous items instead of necessities.

While Running on Empty logically decides that cash is the best form of aid, it also shows the women spending a large part of their meager resources on events described as “social obligations.” Dawn ends up borrowing six hundred and fifty pounds (over nine hundred dollars to us) for her children’s Christmas presents, and struggles to pay back the loans. Asemu doesn’t receive regular cash payments until five months after the harvest; and she must spend a large part of their harvest on a women’s gathering, at which the women take turns supplying the food.

The film ends agreeing that the Millennium Development Goals are not working. Dawn receives just enough money to survive on after she splits her cash between food, diapers, laundry, gas, and electric bills. While her children are not underfed, and she knows what kind of diet is best for them, she lacks the money to buy healthy food. Therefore, Dawn falls back on fries and other high-fat, high-calorie solutions.

Asemu, who receives one pound for every one hundred and thirty of Dawn’s, explains that the cash aid she receives hasn’t increased to keep up with inflation rates. Her youngest child is developing well, but her older son, born before the family began receiving aid, only started to walk at age four due to malnutrition. The damage done by lack of nutrition in his first two years will never be undone, and the family’s diet is still extremely poor in protein, with no money for fish or meat.

The show is well filmed, with segments in Ethiopia and South Wales, and does a striking job at drawing parallels between the different types of poverty the two families live in. In the end, neither can afford to give their children the nutrition they desperately need for proper development, despite all of the rich promises of our “world leaders.”

Written by: Ilinca Popescu, June 1st 2009

My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy

admin — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 23:39:00 +0000

By Andrea Askowitz

Cleis Press

Andrea Askowitz doesn’t mince words, and this book’s title is just the start. In My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy, Askowitz takes her readers on a blow-by-blow tour through her first trimester, back to her “before pregnancy” days, and then all the way through her second and third trimester, her delivery, and her postpartum period. In a blog-like style, she explains in detail her daily struggles with the decisions surrounding conception, her personal relationships, her thoughts on religious traditions, and just how much she disliked being pregnant. No detail or complaint is spared.

It isn’t often that the story gets told about the challenges encountered by single, lesbian women hoping to conceive. The many difficult decisions to be made about how to conceive are compounded by the other decisions and issues faced by women during conception and pregnancy - be they straight, gay, single or partnered. Askowitz offers an unflinching glimpse in to the tough decisions she had to make, as well as her heartache, physical pain, loneliness, and her uncertainty.

The tone of the book can be off-putting. There is little “pregnancy is beautiful” sentimentality, and readers won’t find many “I’m a tough, single woman, and I can handle this” rallying cries. The writing can also be a little disconnected at times, and the connection between one story and another not always obvious, but the story is the author’s to write, and she appears to have written it in a style that is meaningful to her. After finishing the book, which has a very strong and touching section on the postpartum period, many readers will find that they appreciate that the story wasn’t written through rose-colored glasses. Honesty is My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy's greatest appeal.

Written by: Becky Ramsey, June 15th 2008

The Social Economy of Single Motherhood: Raising Children in Rural America

admin — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 00:20:00 +0000

By Margaret Nelson

Routledge

The Social Economy of Single Motherhood is a study of both facts and perceptions of single motherhood in rural Vermont in contrast to more general studies done on urban mothers. It details the circumstances behind every mom interviewed for the study instead of lumping them into the stereotype of single, poor, welfare moms who are just lazy and promiscuous. Many of these women are divorced and left behind husbands for a variety of reasons including abuse or negligence. Most of the single moms in the study were very poor, though a few came from middle class backgrounds and weren’t living in poverty until they had children. The book critiques welfare reform by looking at how it impacts families who aren’t able to make ends meet or don’t have livable wages. What sets this book apart is its focus on the social economy. The United States is one of the few countries in the world that does not include or acknowledge domestic work in its economic analysis even though, as Nelson writes, our society would collapse without it. Nelson approached this subject in terms of personal exchange and details women who seek friendships with other women of similar circumstances to serve a variety of needs for one another (babysitting, car rides, small loans, etc) with the understanding that everyone will be reciprocal of time and energy given or shared. Nelson chronicles some very disheartening exchanges in this arrangement, including sexual favors for car repairs. The book briefly acknowledges the role that unlivable wages and irresponsible fathers play in these circumstances. The most effective—unintended perhaps—result of this book is that you can’t deny the need these families have. A powerful read.

Written by: Davina Rhine, December 11th 2006