advice

Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority

admin — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 16:01:00 +0000

After reading Whom Not to Marry by Father Pat Connor, a Catholic priest, I contemplated the different ways to approach this review. I could discuss the practical aspects of this book, but Maureen Dowd already addressed this in a July 6, 2008 op-ed in the New York Times. I could parody Whom Not to Marry, but Father Connor seems so earnest and well-meaning I couldn’t mock him in good conscience (and I’m not even Catholic). I could take a liberal stance and point out that this book is heteronormative, patriarchal, and antiquated. However, I’m much less offended by this instruction manual than I am by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider’s The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Connor at least encourages women to find someone who treats them with respect and kindness, rather than giving lessons on how to seduce men by playing hard to get.

Whom Not to Marry is based on Connor’s lecture that he shares with audiences of young women. He structures the book around 1 Corinthians 13:4-13, from the Bible: “Love is patient, love is kind...” If you’ve ever attended an American or Christian wedding, you’ve certainly heard this read, usually by a relative. I don’t want to be dismissive and say this is cliched, but Connor is certainly not introducing a new idea. Not to mention the fact that as a Catholic priest Connor has never been married himself, but gleans his experience from premarital counseling and presiding over ceremonies.

Full disclosure: I’m married and believe everyone should have the right to marry. At the same time, I respect that there are many people opposed to the institution of marriage. To enter into marriage should be an individual choice. This is the fundamental weakness of Whom Not to Marry. It assumes every woman wants to marry a man.

Another weakness of the book is that Connor does not criticize the institution of marriage, or at least the wedding industry in the U.S. I would never expect him to violate the tenets of his religion, but the book doesn’t account for social context. In many ways this book is ahistorical, and attributes failed marriages to women’s bad judgment, rather than considering the social pressure to marry quickly, traditionally, and with spectacle.

I don’t think I would actually recommend Father Connor’s Whom Not to Marry to anyone that I know. It’s very reminiscent of Good Housekeeping relationship advice columns that my grandmother may have clipped. Sweet and with the best intentions, but predictable and naïve.

Written by: Claire Burrows, June 27th 2010

The Artist in the Office: How to Creatively Survive and Thrive Seven Days a Week

admin — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:01:00 +0000

By Summer Pierre

Perigee

I was looking forward to reviewing The Artist in the Office because it seemed so relevant to the situation many people I know find themselves in, myself included. Making it as an artist these days is tricky, and without a patron to support them, most emerging artists need another job to make ends meet.

In this book, Summer Pierre hits many of the emotional highs and lows people in my position feel: guilt because they’re not doing art full-time, frustration that they are unable to be creative at work, suffocation at the restraints of a nine-to-five schedule, and the constant nagging question of what your “real job” is. An artist herself, Pierre demonstrates noticeable insight in to the day-to-day life of the average creative worker.

There’s a lot to be talked about on this topic and no easy answers. This book never tries to solve the “problem” of how to be an artist in the office, which is for the best because there’s no magic solution that will resolve this anxiety. What Pierre does suggest is a change in approach. The most solid advice I took away from this book was to remain positive and keep focused on the specifics of what you really want. I know from experience that it’s easy to get stuck in the “If I only had xyz than I would be happy” mindset, which gets you nowhere. Pierre reminds us that working in an office—having a “day job”—while being an artist is hardly the end of the world, and in fact can often benefit your creative work.

Unfortunately, when these benefits are discussed in detail, the book tends to lose some of its insightful commentary and switches to somewhat condescending advice and cutesy pictures to get the point across. Most artists who work in an office hardly need a full-page illustration telling them how the company photocopier can be useful for... photocopying. Or how work computers can be used for non-work stuff. Surely most of us know these things already? The book also could have done without the handwritten doodling of things to do on your lunch hour or how to play “bingo” on your morning commute.

This book is at its strongest when the author seriously engages with the question of what it means to be an artist in a culture that doesn’t necessarily value art. Part four of the book, “Ideas for Change,” is the strongest section. It reads like a heartfelt conversation with a friend who in the end convinces you to not be so hard on yourself and reminds you that you have to value yourself before anyone else will.

Written by: Jennifer Burgess, March 31st 2010

Tune Him In, Turn Him On: Using Intuition to Find and Keep the Man of Your Dreams

admin — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

By Servet Hasan

Llewellyn Publications

Relationship advice can be a tricky and sensitive topic at times. Over time you learn not to take it from anyone except a small number of entrusted friends. In Servet Hasan's Tune Him In, Turn Him On, the author takes a new approach to dating men: actively developing and applying your intuition. Those of us who rely on our gut feeling and are into spiritual activities, like opening our chakras and visualizing auras, may appreciate Hasan’s blend of spirituality and boy guidance.

I found this book to be geared toward younger women who are feeling lost in their love lives and insecure in their relationship abilities. Hasan offers gentle exercises that give the readers support and energy during difficult moments when they want to stop obsessing over a guy and start focusing on their deeper selves. For example, one of her meditations includes letting go of old relationship baggage by visualizing suitcases filled with past memories floating down a river until they are out of sight. Another exercise is a more traditional golden light meditation that helps readers replenish their inner core and connect with their relationship goals.

I found some of Hasan's confident generalizations about “all men” limiting. These generalizations didn't always make sense to me because I've met men who are “naturally born talkers” or who have admitted they are in love, contrary to Hasan’s assertions. It could be that the book is tailored to help seduce a certain type of man or for women mainly focused on marriage. Either way, creating more distance between the genders with the “us” against “them” perspective and reinforcing heteronormative ideals in the dating game is not something that I happily took away from this book.

Overall, Hasan covers all the dating basics and pushes readers to really think about their own love goals, whatever they may be: opening up to someone new, dating, or marriage. She spends several chapters talking about how women should work on their relationships with themselves before going out to find 'the man of their dreams'. Hasan even guarantees that once you fall in love with yourself, your ideal man will come to you, instead of you having to go out and search for him.

Written by: Cinthia Pacheco, March 22nd 2010

The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk, and Adventure In The 25 Years After 50

admin — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 08:00:00 +0000

By Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot

Farrar Straus and Giroux

It turns out that Madonna is not the queen of reinvention. That title belongs to Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, who truly is reinvention royalty. Lawrence-Lightfoot’s The Third Chapter offers a wise and uplifting guide to creating a new life or to drastically improving the one you’ve got. Although the bulk of advice is directed at folks actually in their “third chapter”, anyone in need of a transformation can benefit from Lawrence-Lightfoot’s advice and from the experience of the forty post-fifties she interviews.

As Lawrence-Lightfoot points out, our society expects seniors to retreat. But the book’s subjects—all in their fifties, sixties, or seventies—refused to see their “third chapter” as retrenchment or, worse, stagnation. Rather, they viewed their third chapter as an opportunity to resurrect old dreams and to create new ones.

The characters include a doctor who decides to study opera singing, a policy wonk who leaves a prestigious position to attend divinity school, and a successful businesswoman who becomes a relief worker in Kosovo. Many others revisit artistic passions. In one poignant story, a former professor begins painting a portrait of her best friend. Over time, as she tweaks and shades, her own face emerges from the canvas. As this new artist and so many of Lawrence-Lightfoot’s subjects discover, the post-fifty years are prime time for discovering one’s true voice and for new learning.

New learning is the crux of The Third Chapter and it is a theory from which readers of any age can benefit. Paradoxically, the first step to new learning is unlearning. Successful unlearning means dropping the unhealthy habits that most of us have picked up by high school: people-pleasing, guilt, aggressive competition, valuing external rewards over self-fulfillment, measuring ourselves by others’ high and low expectations, and allowing the harsh critical inner voice to suffer from terminal logorrhea. These are traits, practically reflexes, that many women will recognize. Appropriately, the theories of Mary Catherine Bateson and Carol Gilligan figure prominently.

Unlearning is only the first step, but once taken, self-consciousness, fear, and other limitations drop away. Only then can new learning kick in. Lawrence-Lightfoot, one of new learning’s pioneers, provides an excellent description of the extraordinary ways it pays off. A willingness to embrace collaboration, to take risks, and to practice strategic restraint (i.e. talking and acting less, listening and observing more) all turn out to be great methods for identifying and following one’s true passions and for hearing one’s own unadulterated voice. New learning also includes embracing struggles and setbacks as additional sources of knowledge, not as confirmation that one’s self-doubt was well placed (that’s so old learning).

While new learning requires maturity and experience, its principles can be applied at any age and with potentially unlimited benefits. By the end of the book, I was wondering why I hadn’t figured all this out already (I know, the self-chastising is ripe for unlearning) and equally pondered the unexpected and shocking revelation that, according to Lawrence-Lightfoot, at age forty-eight I am almost into the third chapter myself.

The meaningful takeaway is well summed up by someone else who accomplished much in the third chapter: “It’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years [that matter]." Abraham Lincoln said that; he became president at age fifty-two.

Written by: T. Tamara Weinstein, March 16th 2010

Happy at Work, Happy at Home: The Girl’s Guide to Being a Working Mom

admin — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 09:00:00 +0000

By Caitlin Friedman, Kimberly Yorio

Broadway Books

Happy at Work, Happy at Home is a starter lifestyle guide for the professional who is new to motherhood. It’s a great book to begin the parenting-career balance, although many moms may seek more specific guides about topics contained within, such as how to work effectively from a home office, or how to choose a day care center or nursery school. The book has a broad base, touching on topics ranging from fertility treatments, to legal procedure regarding maternity leave and career-pregnancy conflict or how to manage a support system of babysitters and nannies. The ultimate goal of the collected advice, as indicated by the title, is to allow the woman to achieve professional success while not only running a home smoothly, but also enjoying time with her children and husband and having time for herself.

The book is made up of three types of sections, intertwined: numbered and bulleted lists of concrete advice, interviews with experts on various subjects, and a reassuring and supportive narrative written by the co-authors, themselves entrepreneurs and working mothers. Of these, the first type of section, the tip lists, are probably the most relevant for the time-pressed audience of the book. Lists include: Pregnancy Do’s and Don’ts for the office (fyi: don’t shop online for strollers while you’re on the job, do take on extra projects that can be completed during office hours), Do’s and Don’ts of taking your child to work, and tip sheets on how to build rapport with your boss, how to determine if your company is baby-friendly, how to make a stay-at-home-dad situation work. If you’re forced to breeze through this book due to a busy schedule, my advice would be to focus on these lists.

The authors interview various experts and role models who offer their take on maximizing your time with your family, advancing your career while working more efficiently, and ensuring your comfort with your childcare system. The director of a Manhattan pre-school advises what to look for in a classroom, how to drop off your child off without a scene, and how to stay involved in the classroom even when your time is limited. A stay-at-home dad offers his take on trading professional advancement for more time raising his kids. A high-ranking corporate officer at Yahoo! reveals how she and her husband collaborate with weekly meetings to schedule time for their daughters and time for each other.

The backbone of the book is a supportive broaching of each topic by the co-authors, who display intelligence and empathy in their address to all women, whether they choose to continue their careers at full-speed, reduce their hours, or stay at home to raise children. The authors reassure working moms that their children will be safe and cared for, and that while the people they hire to care for their homes and children may not do everything exactly as mom would, everything will get done. The authors explore the common problem of moms feeling guilty for leaving their children, and the less common problem of moms using the office as a place to escape. This encouraging and uplifting narrative brings out the many positives of working motherhood, especially the ability to raise children who believe a woman can be a breadwinner and a man can be a caretaker, and children who are proud of their parents’ professional achievements.

Written by: Elizabeth F.A. Meaney, December 30th 2009

Hey Mr. Green: Sierra Magazine's Answer Guy Tackles Your Toughest Green Living Questions

admin — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:23:00 +0000

By Bob Schildgen

Sierra Club

Readers of Sierra magazine will recognize Bob Schlidgen as "Mr. Green," the writer of an advice column about living ecologically. In Hey Mr. Green, Schlidgen offers a compact volume of the best of his column from over the years. The book's five chapters each focus on one area of green living: home, food, recreation, waste management, and "The Big Picture," which tackles often controversial but overlapping issues such as politics and religion, and how they relate to green living. Within these areas, the author covers a broad range of topics, written in an advice column format using actual questions from readers of the magazine.

Some questions seek actual information, others seek Mr. Green's opinion, and still others are purely commentary, but Schildgen always responds with frank, down-to-earth, often hilarious (but consistently well-researched) answers. For example, he responds to a question about space tourism by first stating that he believes that this activity is justifiable only if the trips are one-way. He then goes on to give a scientific answer about the actual chemicals involved in space travel and why they have a negative impact on the environment.

One of the most impressive aspects of this book is the lack of snobbery in the author's tone. Yes, Schildgen sometimes mocks or gets a little sarcastic, but he never holds his knowledge over the reader's head. Anyone could pick up this book, read a page or two, and have learned something that he or she could put into practice today, without buying fancy equipment or making a huge lifestyle change. At the same time, Mr. Green does present challenges to readers. In response to a question about manhood and SUVs, he states, "Real men ride bikes."

Fun and substantial, this green guide is a valuable read for men and women alike. Written clearly enough for everyday people, but detailed and far-reaching enough for hardcore environmentalists, Hey Mr. Green will find a welcome home on many different shelves.

Written by: Amanda Moss, August 29th 2009

Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20's and 30's

admin — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 22:02:00 +0000

By Kairol Rosenthal

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

When I read the title of this book, it piqued my interest instantly. Let's face it: there is a lot out there about people over forty and their struggle with cancer, and even quite a bit about children with cancer. In fact, when I think of cancer, I usually picture someone the age of my parents and grandparents, or the boys and girls in ads for St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. I don't picture myself or my fiancé, sisters, or friends. So I cracked this book open not really knowing what to expect. I quickly learned that 70,000 people in their twenties and thirties are diagnosed with cancer each year in the United States. Because they are not the face of cancer, they deal with a unique set of problems and often feel quite alone. Kairol Rosenthal, herself a cancer patient, wants to change that.

Rosenthal set out to write a book filled with the authentic experiences of real people. She wanted to tell their stories in their words and show that just as not every case of cancer is the same, not every cancer patient is the same. These young people are as diverse as any of us. Some reject the label "survivor," while others embrace it. Some find comfort in their loved ones like never before, while others feel it is too much to put on a happy face so they handle it alone. The book would have been poignant enough if she had merely put these stories on paper, but she didn't leave it at that. She also wanted to help cancer patients, along with their friends and families by providing resources, often free or inexpensive, that cover almost everything you can think of: health insurance, being a student, getting divorced, clinical trials, and much more.

Each chapter tells the story of one cancer patient, interwoven with some of Rosenthal's own experiences, and pull quotes from other patients about how they dealt with the issues brought up in that chapter. She ends each chapter by listing resources connected directly to the challenges the patient in that chapter deals with. For example, the chapter about Wafa'a, a single twenty-something who feels her body is worthless, ends with a section about dating, sex, body image, and relationships. She shares when and how to reveal you have cancer while dating, booklets that teach you how to achieve orgasm and avoid pain, and websites that help you shop for make-up, wigs, and comfortable clothing.

The format of the book helps drive home not only the feelings and beliefs of the people Rosenthal interviewed, but also practical things that can be done to deal with these struggles. I liked that she left their experiences in their own words, because it made me feel like I was there in the room with them. I felt the narration she sprinkled in was eloquent and helped tie themes together. These themes were sometimes specific to cancer, but most often about life, healing, race, gender, age, relationships, and other things that come up in everyone's lives but pose a different challenge for young people living with cancer. I appreciated most that by the end of the book, I felt very empowered, and had learned a lot about these people's lives and what I might do if one of them was my friend.

The ultimate take-away: if you are a young person diagnosed with cancer, you are not at all alone; if you know somebody affected by cancer, treat them with the care, concern, respect and appreciation you always have, no more and no less. And, of course, read this book and share it with the people you love.

Written by: frau sally benz, July 25th 2009

Chiconomics 101: The Fun, Fabulous Girls’ Guide to Making Smart Money Moves

admin — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 08:15:00 +0000

By Debbie DiVito

Chiconomics 101 is a pink-themed, Cosmo-drinking ladies-geared blog about basic money management seemingly written by and for the twenty-something set of singles with less money to burn now that they have “real world” bills to pay. The blog bubbles with ideas perhaps not so novel or inventive for folks remotely experienced in the pinching of pennies—brown bagging lunch instead of eating out, visiting the local library instead of the local Barnes & Noble, making coffee instead of dropping dollars on store-bought lattes—but ultimately, from this feminist’s perspective, fizzles and falls flat.

Alongside standard tips for everyday things a “fun, fabulous girl” can do to save a few bucks, the blog also offers more substantial advice The tips are mostly geared toward someone thinking about these things for the first time; she could find some good starting pointers and helpful links to get started towards a financial goal. These posts were genuinely interesting, informative, and pertinent to some aspect of my current financial life. I learned what FICO stands for, what I could do to improve my credit score, and some solid alternatives to a basic savings account. I read comments from other women in my age group who also do their own taxes, along with some straightforward and helpful tips for how to be successful in, what most of us agree, is an overwhelming process.

It wasn’t the information I objected to—the information was great, if basic or limited at times—it was the delivery that was hard to stomach. There are dozens of other “Finance for Women” blogs out there, even of the “101” Introductory variety, that do it better—more sound advice, tips for saving, investment strategies—without the cloyingly fabulous “chiconomic” lingo exclusively employed on this blog.

Money-talk doesn’t have to sound like a Cosmo article to become magically appealing to women. Each concept need not be accompanied by a grating metaphor meant to bring it down to “our” level—(hetero)sex, high school cliques, cocktails, pop music, dieting, more sex. Here’s a fabulous thought: A women’s finance blog with straightforward advice, no gimmicks, no “girl talk,” no gratuitous comparisons, acknowledging the fact that many women do not get the financial education they need and deserve to make the most of what they earn. Chiconomics doesn’t stack up.

Written by: Kelly Moritz, June 19th 2009

Boyfriend University: Take Advantage of Your Man and Learn While You Can

admin — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:52:00 +0000

By Jennifer Sander, Lynne Rominger

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

In 1994 I was sitting around a bonfire in my combat boots and a thrift store granny dress, drinking homebrew and wondering how many years it had been since I’d used a razor, when someone handed me a pamphlet from the 1930s about how to be a “good wife.” And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing—it was demeaning and yet terribly serious all at once, and we laughed with a combination of horror and relief that the world had changed so much since our grandmothers were young.

This particular memory came flooding back to me when I received Boyfriend University by Jennifer Sander and Lynne Rominger. The premise is both insulting and intriguing: “Take advantage of your man and learn while you can.” The authors offer details of their personal dating history and all of the invaluable information they gleaned from the men they spent time with. Auto repair, how to smoke a cigar, how to play beer pong, kick in a door, fix a clogged toilet, and barbeque anything; these skills and many more are outlined so that you can take what they already learned and add it to your ‘masculine’ skill set. Also included are how to cry like a guy, how to bluff and flatter, and how to know if he’s a fixer-upper and worth keeping.

Not a big shock that the publisher happens to be the same one that gives us the “For Dummies” line of literature. The authors have done a lot of work on many other projects distributed by Wiley: Sander is also the author of The Martini Diet and Wear More Cashmere.

While I think that the opinions offered up in this book are materialistic, catty, shallow, and deeply disturbing, I must also admit that their "how to" advice is, for the most part, valid and not altogether useless. Still, while it’s true that I know a lot about cars because I once dated a mechanic, the tone of this book just feels too close to what made Paris Hilton a celebrity and took us from Dr. Martens to Manolo Blahniks in the nineties. It’s as though my grandmother wrote it with a nom de plume as the flapper’s response to the how to be a “good wife” pamphlet, and that was eighty years ago.

Written by: Jen Wilson Lloyd, April 25th 2009